I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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