when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
