Umm I'm too high to move.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
