Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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