Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
