My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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