fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
