The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
