This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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