I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize