I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
