So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
