We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
