please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
