he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Drake has all the answers
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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