that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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