he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
