the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
