I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize