help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
