Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
