I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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