So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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