Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
