Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
