OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
