apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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