i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
