I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she told me i tasted like america
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
