fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
