i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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