and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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