If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
