I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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