once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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