His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
