I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
