I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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