i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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