By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
