I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
