I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
