I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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