she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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