I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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