I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
