I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
