dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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