So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
