1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
