You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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