Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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