like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
