the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
