I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
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