me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize