I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
