I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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