The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
