apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
