You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
you have to choose: penises or morals?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
