I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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