So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
