I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
