Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
