Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
